inmormantari

Aici ne radem si ne simtem bine
danutzazpr
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inmormantari

Mesaj necitit de danutzazpr »

No more coliva !!!

Am citit un zvon cum ca UE ne va "obliga" sa ne ingropam si noi ca ei. Si ca restul lumii. Ce frumos ar fi. Desi articolul si comentariile erau pe un ton foarte indignat.

Care ar fi diferentele:



Inmormantare UE:


1. A crapat Hans.
2. Constatam asta.
3. Aducem si un medic / scoatem certificat prin care constatam asta si pe hartie
4. Sunam firma servicii funerare. comandam una bucata sicriu
5. Il ducem pe Hans la capela.
6. Anuntam pe cei apropiati ca a crapat Hans. Le zicem adresa capelei.
7. Ne adunam la capela, schimbam o vorba despre Hans.
8. In cursul aceleiasi zi, pompele funebre vin, il ridica pe Hans si il ingroapa / incinereaza / impaiaza / criogenizeaza / ce-o fi, in functie de preferinte.
9. Odata ingropat, Hans acolo ramane. Daca doresc, vizitatorii sunt bineveniti cu o floricica sau fara

Inmormantare romaneasca.
1. A crapat nea Gica

2. Constatam asta. Inainte de a suna medic sau de a scoate certificat sunam pe toti care il stiu sau nu pe Gica si anuntam asta

3. Revenim cu certificatul si ne facem loc prin marea de oameni care au venit sa il vada pe Gica mort si sa bea gratis o tuiculita. Intre timp Gica e tinut pe masa trei zile. Asa mort, da.

4. Aducem 3 femei sa il spele si 2 barbati sa il barbiereasca - ritual antecrestin, apropo -

5. Sunam popa. Ne rugam de popa sa vina de parca ar fi ceva nemaintalnit si nemaipomenit de nou in cariera lui si ne imprumutam de bani, ca daca nu e multumit ni-l lasa pe nea Gica pe masa si se cara. De parca nu tot din banii nostri ar fi platit, pastele ma-sii azi si maine de curva cu patrafir.

6. Pe langa oamenii care se foiesc prin casa, ne vor mai intampina pe drum inca pe atatia, ca sa nu mai vorbim de cei care vor veni direct la cimitir.

7. Pregatim echipamentul lui nea Gica, compus majoritatea din elemente tot antecrestine. Bani pe ochi, colac in mana, prescura pe piept - sau invers? - costumul sau cel mai bun care i-a ramas cam mic / mare si niste pantofi cu talpa de carton ca e pielea scumpa si si-asa e mort.

8. Convoiul: Unul cu un brad / pom / schela cu fructe agatate in el (tot pagan e si asta). Unul cu o cruce. Toti cu lumanari. Altii cu steaguri si prosoape.Inca minim 2 cu sfesnice. Nu uita coliva. Inca minim doi cu coroane. Inca vreo doi care sa duca "darurile" - obiecte de uz personal, bucati de material textil, batiste, mobila, o gaina vie uneori, care se trece peste groapa, etc

9. Fanfara. Tigani mai mult sau mai putin treji, care sa chiorlaie din instrumentele lor cantece de mare factura spirituala, cum ar fi "Pe langa Plopii fara Sot", "Drumurile noastre Toate", "Treceau batalioane romane Carpatii", "Dunarea albastra " (n-aveti idee cum suna asta la TROMBON)

10. Bocitoare. intre 3 si 5 babe bete si senile care sa il calareasca pe nea Gica si sa zbiere de parca li se scot ovarele pe cur. De multe ori nu au absolut nici o treaba cu raposatul si il vor boci pe un nume generic, d.ex. "Vasile"

11. Ii cinstim bine pe toti, de la popa la tigani, ca doar n-au venit sa il ingroape pe unul, au venit sa crape in ei si sa bea. Firesc. Pornim cortegiul.

12. La fiecare rascruce - intersectie - vom opri tambalaul (tigani, bocitoare, alamuri, zbierete, cersetori, bomboane, claxoane) si preotul va citi o extenie. Intre extenii, cine stie canta din toti plamanii "Sfinte Dumnezeule" in varianta funebra. Pentru ca exista si varianta vesela. Care nu se canta. Totusi, avand in vedere lipsa de voce a celor din cortegiu si betia generala, puteti sa cantati si Macarena ca nu se simte.

13. Ajungem la biserica. Ne dam foc cu lumanari, umplem tot de ceara, urlam TARE sa stie LUMEA ca noi SUFERIM pentru ca A MURIT GICA, BAAAAAAAA!!! In timpul slujbei, cream confuzie si razboi, aruncand cu bani si bomboane catre liota de cersetori. Punem si "vamile" pe jos, obicei - cum altfel? - antecrestin si ala. Potrivim vata in nas lui Gica, nu de alta dar de atata jale si lumanari si tamaie a inceput saa se cam lichefieze.

14. La cimitir. Se sapa groapa, se urla, se trece gaina, se desface pomul, se impart prosoape, restul de daruri (teoretic oamenilor saraci, practic tot intre neamuri, pe principiul nimic nu se pierde, doar se imprumuta), se bea, se stropeste cu vin mormantul, continua slujba.

15. Dupa cimitir. Se merge la casa lui Gica unde se bea, se bea, se bea, se mananca cel putin 3 feluri de mancare, se ia si la pachet ca doar e pomana, se vorbeste despre politica, vreme, rapita, Geoana, alegeri, inflatie, chirii, varice, butoaie, vinul de anul asta, hemoroizi, nunti, botezuri, Mutu, Steaua, femeia vecinului, orice numai Gica nu.

16. Dupa ce l-ai ingropat, reiei paranghelia la 3, 9, 40 de zile, 1 an, 2, 3, etc totul culminand cu 7 ani cand il dezgropi pe Gica sau ma rog ce a ramas din el, il stropesti cu vin si-l bagi la loc. Pe langa asta mai ai si vreo 400 de sarbatori de pomenirer a mortilor. :D
Necessito navigar!

home made
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Re: inmormantari

Mesaj necitit de home made »

noutati de retinut:

Bulibașa în vizită protocolară la un șef de trib african:
Îi zice:
- Mânca-ți-aș, cum faci de ai copii așa de negri tăciune, că eu în orice
poziție ia-ș da la Piranda mea, puradeii mei tot cafenii ies ?
Șeful de trib își dă catrința la o parte și îi zice:
- Păi uite te, o ai așa de lungă ca și mine ?
Țiganul se uită și zice:
- Păi, nu prea.
Șeful trib îi zice:
- Păi o ai așa de groasă ca și mine ?
Țiganul zice:
- Păi, nu prea.
Șeful de trib zice:
- Atunci înseamnă că intră lumină !

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Pilgrim
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Re: inmormantari

Mesaj necitit de Pilgrim »

buuuuun...si acum sa vadem cum e pe apa?
stie cineva ( din auzite sau experienta...) cum se desfasoara un asemenea eveniment in cazul in care decesul persoanei are loc la mai bine de 200 NM de cel mai apropiat tarm...?
Ce responsabilitati are skipperul in asemenea moment nefericit?
Go sailing... keep it simple!

home made
Hauptbootsmann
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Re: inmormantari

Mesaj necitit de home made »

depinde cit de infometati sint ce-i de pe barca.sare au,ceva mirodenii,un lighean de plastic se gaseste....pastrama-i gata!proteine nene,nu gluma. :)cu transarea-i mai greu,trebuie rabdare :) in n.guineie si jungla braziliana se servesc ca atare,n-au nevoie de fineturi din astea. :)
si asa mi-am amintit de un banc:

home made
Hauptbootsmann
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Re: inmormantari

Mesaj necitit de home made »

canibalii se soreau,de foame binenteles,asteptindu-i pe cei care erau in tura la vinatoare
-baaai iar au intirziat astia cu haleala.
dupa ceva vreme:
-stai ba,uita-i ca vin
se ridica unul in capul oaselor,se uita si-i vede pe vinatori cu un cosciug in spate printre tufisuri,excalma:
-baaai iar ne aduc astia conserve..........

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Pilgrim
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Re: inmormantari

Mesaj necitit de Pilgrim »

DA
Go sailing... keep it simple!

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skipper
Flottillenadmiral
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Re: inmormantari

Mesaj necitit de skipper »

Pilgrim scrie:buuuuun...si acum sa vadem cum e pe apa?
stie cineva ( din auzite sau experienta...) cum se desfasoara un asemenea eveniment in cazul in care decesul persoanei are loc la mai bine de 200 NM de cel mai apropiat tarm...?
Ce responsabilitati are skipperul in asemenea moment nefericit?

E dezvoltat pe larg intr-un manual postat aici anul trecut: MCA-RYA Ship Captain’s Medical Guide, Chapter 12 The dying and the dead:


Care of the dying
There is no stage when nothing more can be done to help a
patient. We may be unable to prevent the person from dying,
but there remains the task of ensuring that the patient is
protected from unnecessary suffering and pain, that he has
people around to care for him, and that his dignity as a
human being is preserved and respected. If the patient is
obviously dying and you believe that death is inevitable, you
should make sure that the person remains tranquil in mind
and in body during the period of dying. Comfort,
companionship, compassion, and the complete relief both of
mental and physical suffering, should be the aims. If slight
pain is present, it must be relieved by giving simple
painkillers. If the patient is suffering from severe pain then
morphine is appropriate. Morphine has the added benefit of
relieving anxiety. In the event of mental distress, confusion,
or behavioural problems consider sedation or tranquillisers.
Get RADIO MEDICAL ADVICE.

Signs of death
Never consider anyone to be dead until you and others agree
that:
n breathing has stopped. Listen with your ear right over the
nose and mouth. You should feel no air coming out and
should see no chest and abdominal movement. A mirror
held in front of the nose and mouth will be misted by the
moisture in the exhaled breath in life, but no misting will
occur in death.
n the heart has stopped. No pulse will be felt and no heart
sounds will be heard. Put your ear on the left side of the
chest near the nipple and listen carefully. If you are not
sure what to listen for, listen to the left chest of a living
person first. To test that the circulation has stopped, tie a
piece of string tightly around a finger. In life the finger
becomes bluish, but in death it remains white. Slight
pressure on the finger nail or lip in life will cause the area
to become pale and when the pressure is released the
colour is regained. In death, this will not occur.
n the person looks dead. The eyes become dull and the skin
pale. The pupils are large and shining a bright light into
the eyes does not make the pupils get smaller.
While none of the signs described above are themselves
infallible, taken together there is usually little difficulty in
coming to a decision.
Mistaken death – a warning
A person who has taken large doses of certain drugs, usually
sedatives or tranquillisers, or who is suffering from
hypothermia may look dead, but may still be alive. Mistakes
have been made. Check carefully for shallow breathing, for a
pulse, for heart sounds, as described above. If you are aware
of the possibilities for error you are less likely to make a
mistake. The circumstances surrounding the death may help
you to decide whether drug overdose or hypothermia may
be possibilities.

Cause of death
It is important to try to establish the reasons for death. Causes of death can be ascribed to two
main groups:
natural causes such as illnesses;
injuries, which may be accidental or non-accidental.
If the person has been ill on board, records of the nature and progress of illness and of the
treatment given will have been made. These records should be carefully preserved in case any
further enquiries are necessary. Similarly, in case of injuries, the circumstances of the incident
which led to injury or injuries should be investigated and recorded. The notes made of the
investigations, together with the medical records, should be carefully preserved. It must always
be remembered that medico-legal enquiries will subsequently be necessary even when there
are, at the time, no apparent criminal or suspicious circumstances surrounding a death. If the
circumstances of death are unusual, sudden or unknown, or if there is any suspicion of criminal
intent, there must be a post-mortem examination by a pathologist.
Procedure after death
It is usually possible to retain the body until it can be examined by a pathologist at a port. Every
effort must be made to retain and preserve the body until the next port of call can be reached.
It is vital that as much evidence of what happened is gathered and preserved:
n use a camera to take photographs which might illustrate how the death occurred, this will
be helpful in any investigation.
n Clothing. Strip the body of all clothing, if possible without tearing or cutting it. Make a
brief description of each article and note any initials or names on the garments. Any papers,
wallet, money or other articles should be noted on the list. Any articles which are wet
should be dried, but not laundered, and should then be put into plastic bags, sealed,
labelled, and kept in a safe place for handing over to the British Consul, police or other
authorities at the next port. When handing over clothing and other articles, check each
item against the list and get a receipt from the person to whom they are delivered. Any
other possessions of the deceased should be treated similarly. If there is going to be little
delay before reaching port, leave everything undisturbed.
n examine the body. If it is absolutely essential to bury the body before it is examined by a
pathologist examine the body carefully (photographs are very helpful) and record the
following data:
race;
skin colour;
approximate age;
n height – straighten out the body with the legs fully extended. Make two marks on the deck,
one in line with the heels, the other in line with the top of the head. Measure and record
the distance between the lines;
development of the body – note whether fat, thin, wasted, muscular etc.;
inspect the head and face – record the length and colour of the hair; note the eyebrows and
describe facial hair. The complexion should be described (for example, sunburned; pale;
florid; sallow). Record the colour of the eyes and the shape of the nose. Open mouth and
examine the teeth, noting whether they are sound, decayed, or missing. Dentures should
be removed, cleaned and placed with the other articles kept for future examination;
n inspect the rest of the body – record all birthmarks, moles, scars, or deformities from
injuries. Note the exact position of all scars and describe their length and width. A diagram
will help. Note whether circumcised or not. Vaccination scars should be noted. Tattoos
should be described and any words or letters noted. Record the size, position, general
appearance, and colour of such tattoos. Wounds and bruises should be noted. You should
try to decide whether they could explain the death. Note the exact position, depth and
dimensions of all wounds. Describe the character of the wounds – clean cuts as from a knife,
or ragged tears, or bullet wounds. Note any skin blackening or singeing of clothing around
the entrance bullet wound. Look for an exit wound where the bullet left the body – this is
always bigger than the entry wound. Feel under the skin for a bullet which may be lodged
there and note the position. Look carefully for signs of bruising round wounds or if there is
any escape of blood from the wound as shown by blood clots, blood staining of the
surrounding skin, by blood on the clothing or by blood in the area where the body was
found. This will help to distinguish injuries caused during life (which bleed) from those
caused after death (which do not bleed). Note also any broken bones. External signs of
disease such as boils, ulcers, varicose veins, or skin rashes, should be recorded.
n records. Remember to have all your observational notes countersigned, and to make all
appropriate entries in the official log book.
Disposal of the body
Retention for post-mortem examination
Whenever possible a body should be retained for post-mortem examination or for burial ashore.
For the sake of the deceased person’s relatives and to preserve the body in the best possible
condition, if there is going to be any delay in reaching port, thoroughly wash and dry the body all
over. Comb out and part the hair and give attention to finger nails. Straighten the arms and legs
and interlock the fingers over the thighs. Tie the ankles together to keep the feet perpendicular.
Empty the bladder by firm pressure over the lower abdomen. The body should then be put into a
body bag and kept in a refrigerator or cold store which will have to be set aside for the purpose.
The aim is to store the body at approximately 4°C, it should not be frozen. An alternative, if near
port, is to lay the naked body on ice in a bath and to cover the body with lots of ice.
Burial at sea
Only in the most exceptional circumstances (and where there is no suspicion of foul play) might
it be appropriate to proceed directly to dispose of the body at sea. Next of kin and/or the
seafarer’s employing company should always be consulted where possible and advice should be
sought on an appropriate commital service or procedure. For burial at sea it is not necessary to
do more than to lay the body on a flat surface, straighten the legs and arms and interlock the
fingers over the thighs. The hair should be brushed off the forehead, the face washed, and the
jaw secured by passing a bandage under the chin and over the top of the head, where it may be
tied or clipped. The body should be sewn into a shroud.
Bear in mind that the shroud needs to be made of a very strong material and weighted
sufficiently to ensure the rapid sinking and permanent submersion of the body. There should be
three or four slits or openings in the material to allow the gases of decomposition to escape and
prevent flotation due to trapped air.
Burial should not take place in soundings in any part of the world.
After preparation the body should be placed upon an improvised platform resting on the
ship’s side rail and a suitable trestle or other support, covered by an ensign, secured to the
inboard edge of the platform. Wooden blocks screwed under the platform and resting against
the ship’s side rail will prevent the platform sliding outboard when the inboard end is raised to
allow the body to slide from under the flag into the sea. It is very important to ensure that the
whole operation proceeds smoothly and respectfully without unseemly mishaps. If the ship is
small and there is a heavy sea, precautions must be taken to ensure that the body will not be
prematurely lost and will not fail to drop cleanly into the sea at the right moment. This may
warrant fastening guide rails on the platform. The seafarers allocated to perform the disposal
must be carefully briefed. At the words of the Committal, and on receipt of a discreet signal,
they must raise the inboard end of the platform to allow the body to slide from under the
ensign into the sea.
Record the event in the official log book with the exact time and position of burial.
Ubi allii finiverant, inde incipimus nos!

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Pilgrim
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Re: inmormantari

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Multumesc Skipper , am trecut prin sase inmormantari in ultima luna si eram curios sa stiu si cum e procedura pe mare. Am manalul respectiv dar din lipsa de timp nu am ajuns sa il citesc...
Go sailing... keep it simple!

Pelicanul
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Re: inmormantari

Mesaj necitit de Pelicanul »

Nu stiu ce v -a apucat cu subiectul asta, cred ca sintem totusi la sectiunea de umor. Dar, daca tot ati deschis subiectul, cred ca asta e cea mai tare descriere a unei inmormintari pe mare:

“Johansen!” Wolf Larsen called out. A sailor stepped forward obediently. “Get your palm and needle and sew the beggar up. You’ll find some old canvas in the sail-locker. Make it do.”
“What’ll I put on his feet, sir?” the man asked, after the customary “Ay, ay, sir.”
“We’ll see to that,” Wolf Larsen answered, and elevated his voice in a call of “Cooky!”
Thomas Mugridge popped out of his galley like a jack-in-the-box.
“Go below and fill a sack with coal.”
“Any of you fellows got a Bible or Prayer-book?” was the captain’s next demand, this time of the hunters lounging about the companion- way.
They shook their heads, and some one made a jocular remark which I did not catch, but which raised a general laugh.
Wolf Larsen made the same demand of the sailors. Bibles and Prayer-books seemed scarce articles, but one of the men volunteered to pursue the quest amongst the watch below, returning in a minute with the information that there was none.
The captain shrugged his shoulders. “Then we’ll drop him over without any palavering, unless our clerical- looking castaway has the burial service at sea by heart.”
By this time he had swung fully around and was facing me. “You’re a preacher, aren’t you?” he asked.
The hunters, - there were six of them, - to a man, turned and regarded me. I was painfully aware of my likeness to a scarecrow. A laugh went up at my appearance, - a laugh that was not lessened or softened by the dead man stretched and grinning on the deck before us; a laugh that was as rough and harsh and frank as the sea itself; that arose out of coarse feelings and blunted sensibilities, from natures that knew neither courtesy nor gentleness.
Wolf Larsen did not laugh, though his grey eyes lighted with a slight glint of amusement; and in that moment, having stepped forward quite close to him, I received my first impression of the man himself ….
……………………………..

……. “Johansen, call all hands. Now that we’ve everything cleaned up, we’ll have the funeral and get the decks cleared of useless lumber.”
While Johansen was summoning the watch below, a couple of sailors, under the captain’s direction, laid the canvas-swathed corpse upon a hatch-cover. On either side the deck, against the rail and bottoms up, were lashed a number of small boats. Several men picked up the hatch-cover with its ghastly freight, carried it to the lee side, and rested it on the boats, the feet pointing overboard. To the feet was attached the sack of coal which the cook had fetched.
I had always conceived a burial at sea to be a very solemn and awe- inspiring event, but I was quickly disillusioned, by this burial at any rate. One of the hunters, a little dark-eyed man whom his mates called “Smoke,” was telling stories, liberally intersprinkled with oaths and obscenities; and every minute or so the group of hunters gave mouth to a laughter that sounded to me like a wolf- chorus or the barking of hell-hounds. The sailors trooped noisily aft, some of the watch below rubbing the sleep from their eyes, and talked in low tones together. There was an ominous and worried expression on their faces. It was evident that they did not like the outlook of a voyage under such a captain and begun so inauspiciously. From time to time they stole glances at Wolf Larsen, and I could see that they were apprehensive of the man.
He stepped up to the hatch-cover, and all caps came off. I ran my eyes over them - twenty men all told; twenty-two including the man at the wheel and myself. I was pardonably curious in my survey, for it appeared my fate to be pent up with them on this miniature floating world for I knew not how many weeks or months. The sailors, in the main, were English and Scandinavian, and their faces seemed of the heavy, stolid order. The hunters, on the other hand, had stronger and more diversified faces, with hard lines and the marks of the free play of passions. Strange to say, and I noted it all once, Wolf Larsen’s features showed no such evil stamp. There seemed nothing vicious in them. True, there were lines, but they were the lines of decision and firmness. It seemed, rather, a frank and open countenance, which frankness or openness was enhanced by the fact that he was smooth-shaven. I could hardly believe - until the next incident occurred - that it was the face of a man who could behave as he had behaved to the cabin-boy.
At this moment, as he opened his mouth to speak, puff after puff struck the schooner and pressed her side under. The wind shrieked a wild song through the rigging. Some of the hunters glanced anxiously aloft. The lee rail, where the dead man lay, was buried in the sea, and as the schooner lifted and righted the water swept across the deck wetting us above our shoe-tops. A shower of rain drove down upon us, each drop stinging like a hailstone. As it passed, Wolf Larsen began to speak, the bare-headed men swaying in unison, to the heave and lunge of the deck.
“I only remember one part of the service,” he said, “and that is, ’And the body shall be cast into the sea.’ So cast it in.”
He ceased speaking. The men holding the hatch-cover seemed perplexed, puzzled no doubt by the briefness of the ceremony. He burst upon them in a fury.
“Lift up that end there, damn you! What the hell’s the matter with you?”
They elevated the end of the hatch-cover with pitiful haste, and, like a dog flung overside, the dead man slid feet first into the sea. The coal at his feet dragged him down. He was gone.
“Johansen,” Wolf Larsen said briskly to the new mate, “keep all hands on deck now they’re here. Get in the topsails and jibs and make a good job of it. We’re in for a sou’-easter. Better reef the jib and mainsail too, while you’re about it.”
In a moment the decks were in commotion, Johansen bellowing orders and the men pulling or letting go ropes of various sorts - all naturally confusing to a landsman such as myself. But it was the heartlessness of it that especially struck me. The dead man was an episode that was past, an incident that was dropped, in a canvas covering with a sack of coal, while the ship sped along and her work went on. Nobody had been affected. The hunters were laughing at a fresh story of Smoke’s; the men pulling and hauling, and two of them climbing aloft; Wolf Larsen was studying the clouding sky to windward; and the dead man, dying obscenely, buried sordidly, and sinking down, down -
Then it was that the cruelty of the sea, its relentlessness and awfulness, rushed upon me. Life had become cheap and tawdry, a beastly and inarticulate thing, a soulless stirring of the ooze and slime. I held on to the weather rail, close by the shrouds, and gazed out across the desolate foaming waves to the low-lying fog- banks that hid San Francisco and the California coast. Rain- squalls were driving in between, and I could scarcely see the fog. And this strange vessel, with its terrible men, pressed under by wind and sea and ever leaping up and out, was heading away into the south-west, into the great and lonely Pacific expanse.""

E din "Lupul de mare" ("Sea-Wolf") de Jack London. Nu am textul in romana in format electronic, asa ca l -am pus in engleza de aici: http://www.bibliomania.com/0/0/35/74/frameset.html

home made
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Re: inmormantari

Mesaj necitit de home made »

de la d.puric,completare la un banc mai vechi:
moartea plingea de mama focului.
careva o intreaba,mare curaj din partea lui:
ce-ai patit fa?
a murit mama,raspunde moartea.
printre sughituri,moartea aude telefonul care-i suna in buzunar,asculta si incepe sa racneasca si mai tare.
ce mai e fa acum?
m-a sunat sormea,mi-a spus ca a murit si masa!

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